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| Joke
of the Day |
IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN
Dear Mr.Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so
he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this
will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If
you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this
aspect of his behavior.
Dear Mr.Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to
perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful
for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy
him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr.Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.
Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair,
and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best
thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Mr.Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it,
do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video
tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease
your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a
delicious meal.
Dear Mr.Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not
love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the
mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a
nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Dear Mr.Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him
and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present... and don't
forget to cook him a delicious meal. |
| Access Tip of the Day |
| MESSAGES ON A REPORT
Have you ever found yourself adhering Post-its with the
same message on reports you're sharing with others? Wouldn't it be nice if
Access could do that for you? It can. Under certain conditions, you can
easily add a personalized message to a report. Simply add a control to your
Detail section (or whatever section is appropriate, but most likely it will
be Detail) and use an expression in the form
=Iif(condition is met,
"message you want to print")
as the new control's Control Source property.
For example, let's suppose you're printing a report of
grade point averages for your students. If a student's grade falls below a
certain average, you want to call that student's parents to keep them well
informed of their child's progress (or lack thereof). In this situation, you
might use an expression similar to
=Iif([average] > 75,
"Call parent")
When you print the report, a reminder will appear next to
the name of any student with a grade point average below 75, telling you to
call that child's parent.
If you need a bit more emphasis, try applying a few
special formats to the message control. For instance, if the message is
urgent and you want to make sure no one misses it, change the control's font
color to red. If you want the message to stand out, but don't want the
urgency red may imply, try using italics or bold. |
| Excel Tip of the Day |
| ACCESSING FORMAT DIALOG BOX
If you're like most of us, you're opening the Format
dialog box on a regular basis either to remove an existing format or to
apply a new one. To open the dialog box, you must choose a formatting
command from the Format menu. If you prefer keystrokes to mouse clicks, you
can open the Format dialog box by pressing Ctrl-1. (That's the numeric digit
1, not a lowercase L.) |
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